Lesson 3: Letting the Dream Die

Oh, how I want to write this.

"Beware of your dreams, for dreams make dangerous friends," says Phil Vischer, the creator of Veggie Tales and What's in the Bible.

David and I have just been reading Phil's autobiography (I feel like I can call him Phil--we listen to his podcast all the time, have read his bio, and he's just "Phil" on What's in the Bible). In his autobiography, he talks about how Big Idea (the company behind Veggie Tales) grew and grew to the point of bankruptcy (due to overhiring and overspending), and how he learned through a series of events to let his dream die.

Yes, let his dream of a Christian corporation that would rival Disney die.

He says once he let go, that falling felt much like floating, and that's why he's named his new, much smaller company "Jellyfish." Because jellyfish don't locomote. They can go up and down some, but they can't go forward; they just float in the current. And that's what the Christian faith should be--floating in the center of God's will, waiting on the Lord, knowing he has the direction and the details covered.

I had a very short vision that I would write a long series here of learning how to dream. That I would teach myself to dream through writing about it.

Now I have an entirely new perspective. I no longer want to dream. I want all my dreams to die. I want to live in the day, the hour, the minute, in the center of His will. I've messed up a lot, but the beauty of His power is that you can get in the center of his will in a nanosecond, just by knowing that you need to be in the center of His will. "Look unto Me and be saved," He says. Just look. Just remember that you're supposed to be in the center of His will.

And that's where I've goofed, so often. I've forgotten where I was supposed to be, and I've been miserable. I've been running around in a fog, like Scarlet O'Hara in her nightmare, searching but not able to find "something." I've been trying to figure out, all this time, what I was searching for so that I could map out a plan to get there.

And now I realize that I'm not supposed to do that--say, maybe that's why I've been so miserable. Ambition isn't fun. It's like candy; it gives a rush for a moment, then you crash soon after. But being in the center of God's will is. Ambition feels like running blind; faith feels like floating, or resting in strong arms...because it is.

Lesson 2: Learning to Appreciate

This morning, I don't feel like dreaming.

Well, I never do--that's what this blog is supposed to be about--but that's not what I mean. I mean that I feel  as though I'll never be able to get a handle on the future or even know what I want (or what I'm supposed to want) until I learn to count my blessings and and understand what I have.

So, without any pre-planning, here is a list (not exhaustive) of my assets:

1. I serve a risen Savior. He's in the world today. He's my Mediator, my Shepherd, and my Friend, and the Spirit intercedes with groans that can't be uttered. I groan a lot.
2. David and I are currently enjoying our 17th year of marriage. I trust him completely with everything, and I do mean everything. It is such a blessing that I can say that.
3. I have a quirky 5 year old who is a master inventor and great storyteller. I could write all day about Georgie.
4. I have a beautiful, cuddly 3 year old who loves to love and nurture. God has grown her through so much, and she is a true survivor and a stubborn little mule (a cute mule, but a mule, nonetheless).
5. My brother is one of my best friends. I've seen Christ transform him more completely than I've ever witnessed in anyone else.
6. We have a free house.
7. We have a free car.
8. We've paid off over 25K in two years.
9. I get to live in my favorite house in the world--one in which I had many a sleepover as a kid. Now my kids get to enjoy it.
10. I attend a great church that appreciates the value of change and growth.
11. I don't have cancer or bad kidneys.
12. I have an iPhone. Finally.
13. I can write. I love to write. Writing drains the infection from my mind and soothes my heart so it can be free to heal.
14. I've learned how to budget. It is such a relief to know that I know how to handle money. When "real money" starts coming, I know it won't just go down the drain. I know how to give every dollar a name now (thanks, Dave Ramsey!).
15. I've gotten to be a part of the birth of a business. 
16. I get to homeschool/unschool my kids, and I don't have to start Georgie to Kindergarten next week, where her wonderful creativity runs the risk of being squashed to death. I want her to flourish, and she can do that best here in our home. And my Lily Boodles needs to be in my lap as much as possible. I'm so glad I don't have a "real job," even though the budget would be a little more lubricated if I did. But, then again, maybe it wouldn't. Who knows. 

Sixteen. Not bad. Unfortunately, I've got a bit of a stomach thing going on today, so that's all the brainpower I have at the moment. I know my blessings are greater than these, but this is a start. I can always add later as they develop in front of me.

Lesson 1: I'm not a dreamer. Am I the only one?

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."--John Lennon

Nope, John Lennon was not the only one. Walt Disney was a dreamer. Jim Henson was a dreamer. My husband David is a dreamer.

But I'm not. Not even close.

I don't dream. I'm not even sure I can.

And, of course, I mean the kind of dreaming that Walt, Jim, and David did/do, not the dreaming that we all do during sleep...that I can do and do well. For instance, I'm always having this recurring dream that something very large and heavy is hanging over our bed, about to fall on us, and I have to get out of the way; usually I run off screaming into the night.

Deep stuff, my dreams.

But as far as dreaming about the future--thinking, planning and knowing what I will do with my life--that does not come easy to me. Never has.

And that would be ok, except, for some reason, I don't like not being able to dream. When people ask me what my dream is (ok, a network marketer asked me one time, so the question has been asked of me at least once), I feel offended. How dare he ask me what my dream is? I don't have one! I've never had one, and I never will, so there!

But why? I think it is because, behind it all, I feel as if I don't deserve one. My squashed ego, twisted and smooshed by insults, loneliness, stinking thinking and broke mentality, won't let me. That part of my brain is broken. Yes I broke it, yes they broke it, yes the devil broke it. All of the above.

And it's not such a bad thing to live in the here and now. I've let go of tons of past--so much so that I've made myself forget years at a time. It's better that way. My sins are under the blood of Jesus, and I choose to forgive those who have trespassed against me. 

But as far as the future--that is hard. The books say that the only way to ever have is to dream first. And I want better. I want to go on vacation. I want to spend a month at a time at Disneyworld and stay at the best resorts, with huge amounts of spending cash on hand. I want good clothes. I want my kids to wear good clothes. I want to go to Hawaii, Europe, China. I want a cruise.

Woops, maybe I can dream a little.

But those are wishes. A wish list. The purpose of this blog is to teach myself to dream through writing. I want to dig into the Scriptures and find out what God has to say on dreaming. I want to get at least somewhat of a handle on what His will and plan is for me, so I can dream accordingly. 

I want to stop this defeat that hangs over me like a cumulonimbus cloud. 

We just watched Facing the Giants for the dozenth+ time the other night, and a line caught my attention ore than it ever has before: "You are the most influential player on this team. If you walk around defeated, so will they!"

And that's why I want to do this. I want to focus on what He wants me to, and knock out all the darkness of defeat with His light so that I won't walk around defeated. I'm the most influential player on my team (not the coach; that's David), and I don't want my defeat to spread to the rest of my family.

So, I'm here to ask, am I the only one who has trouble dreaming? Does anyone else have dream constipation?

Then, please, join me on my journey.