Lesson 1: I'm not a dreamer. Am I the only one?

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."--John Lennon

Nope, John Lennon was not the only one. Walt Disney was a dreamer. Jim Henson was a dreamer. My husband David is a dreamer.

But I'm not. Not even close.

I don't dream. I'm not even sure I can.

And, of course, I mean the kind of dreaming that Walt, Jim, and David did/do, not the dreaming that we all do during sleep...that I can do and do well. For instance, I'm always having this recurring dream that something very large and heavy is hanging over our bed, about to fall on us, and I have to get out of the way; usually I run off screaming into the night.

Deep stuff, my dreams.

But as far as dreaming about the future--thinking, planning and knowing what I will do with my life--that does not come easy to me. Never has.

And that would be ok, except, for some reason, I don't like not being able to dream. When people ask me what my dream is (ok, a network marketer asked me one time, so the question has been asked of me at least once), I feel offended. How dare he ask me what my dream is? I don't have one! I've never had one, and I never will, so there!

But why? I think it is because, behind it all, I feel as if I don't deserve one. My squashed ego, twisted and smooshed by insults, loneliness, stinking thinking and broke mentality, won't let me. That part of my brain is broken. Yes I broke it, yes they broke it, yes the devil broke it. All of the above.

And it's not such a bad thing to live in the here and now. I've let go of tons of past--so much so that I've made myself forget years at a time. It's better that way. My sins are under the blood of Jesus, and I choose to forgive those who have trespassed against me. 

But as far as the future--that is hard. The books say that the only way to ever have is to dream first. And I want better. I want to go on vacation. I want to spend a month at a time at Disneyworld and stay at the best resorts, with huge amounts of spending cash on hand. I want good clothes. I want my kids to wear good clothes. I want to go to Hawaii, Europe, China. I want a cruise.

Woops, maybe I can dream a little.

But those are wishes. A wish list. The purpose of this blog is to teach myself to dream through writing. I want to dig into the Scriptures and find out what God has to say on dreaming. I want to get at least somewhat of a handle on what His will and plan is for me, so I can dream accordingly. 

I want to stop this defeat that hangs over me like a cumulonimbus cloud. 

We just watched Facing the Giants for the dozenth+ time the other night, and a line caught my attention ore than it ever has before: "You are the most influential player on this team. If you walk around defeated, so will they!"

And that's why I want to do this. I want to focus on what He wants me to, and knock out all the darkness of defeat with His light so that I won't walk around defeated. I'm the most influential player on my team (not the coach; that's David), and I don't want my defeat to spread to the rest of my family.

So, I'm here to ask, am I the only one who has trouble dreaming? Does anyone else have dream constipation?

Then, please, join me on my journey.